The 5 Biggest Causes of Retired Hubby and Wifey Syndrome (And How to Avoid Them)
Just about all married retirees have seen "The Look" from their spouses.
The "You're in my way" Look.
The "Why are you doing THAT?" Look.
The "I don't have time for this right now" Look.
The "Are you really going to spend all day just sitting there?" Look.
The "Maybe you shouldn't have retired" Look.
When we see senior couples giving each other "The Look" during meetings at Keen Wealth, it's often because folks have been so wrapped up in planning the money side of retirement that they haven't given as much thought to how they'll spend their time.
Discussing these common causes of Retired Hubby and Wifey Syndrome might help you and your spouse create space for each other and make the most of the moments you spend together.
Cause #1: Too Much Togetherness
She says: “I love him dearly, but I also love my quiet mornings with a book and a cup of coffee. Now he’s in my space 24/7, following me from room to room, asking what we’re doing next!"
This is an especially common scenario when one spouse works and the other doesn't, or if one spouse has been retired longer. The newly retired spouse hasn't figured out their own routine, so they just tag along with the routine that is happening in the house.
Avoiding "The Look": Grab a blank calendar, sit down with your spouse, and schedule some alone time for each of you. Make sure you think about both your regular daily routines as well as weekly and monthly events. If that morning cup of coffee by yourself is really important to your routine, then put it on your calendar and help your spouse find something they'll enjoy doing alone to start their day. Schedule weekly tee times and lunches with friends, volunteer shifts, trips to the gym. Then, fill in some of the remaining blank space with things you and your spouse like doing together: long walks, date nights, visiting your grandkids.
Cause #2: The New Household COO
He says: “For 30 years, I’ve loaded the dishwasher my way. Why is she suddenly reorganizing the kitchen and sending me YouTube videos about "the right way" to fold towels?”
It can be very difficult for new retirees to let go of the responsibilities they had while they were working -- especially high achievers who earned titles like Doctor, Engineer, or CEO. All that managerial expertise has to go somewhere! And often improving "household efficiency" hits the top of the new retiree’s agenda by default.
Avoiding "The Look": Talk to your spouse about who is going to do what before your last day of work. Now that you have extra free time, what are some tasks where you'll be more of a help than a hindrance? Also, investigate healthier outlets for all your professional expertise. The grocery shopping and laundry routine at home is probably working just fine. But you could take a part-time job or volunteer position at an organization that couldn't have afforded you when you were raising a family and building your nest egg.
Cause #3: One Spouse's Boredom Becomes the Couple's Problem
He says: "I am not her cruise director! I have my own life! It’s not my job to plan her entire day!”
Even folks who don't love their jobs get used to their routines. When retirement removes that structure, many new retirees feel aimless. And since working is no longer an essential part of providing for your family, you might feel like you don't have a strong sense of purpose either.
Avoiding "The Look": Each spouse should develop a personal “Retirement Playbook” that contains a list of all the things you've always wanted to do. Include bucket list items, like a big family vacation, that you and your spouse might enjoy planning together. But also write down things that you want to try or get better at. Have you always wanted to learn how to play the guitar? Would you enjoy golf or tennis a little more if you started working with a coach? Can you step up to a leadership position at a social club, church, or volunteer organization? Does your grandson's football team need an assistant coach?
Cause #4: Remote Control Domination
She says: “What happened to all my gardening and cooking shows that I had recorded? Why is the DVR suddenly full of golf tournaments and World War II documentaries?”
Entertainment time might have been more of an individual experience when one spouse was working. There may have been regular late nights in the home office. One spouse might have been able to watch a favorite show while they were cooking dinner and the other spouse was running the kids to soccer practice. Spouses may have been on different sleep schedules. But now, in retirement, two people both have more time for one TV.
Avoiding "The Look": Do you really need another TV? Seniors who spend too much time on the couch are susceptible to ... just staying there, and feeling depressed that they're not doing more with their time. Adding screens to your home might also make it harder to unplug from the endless doom loop of cable news. Instead, try designating “His, Hers, and Ours” time for TV and movies. And if buying another TV does make football gamedays more bearable, just try to be mindful of how much time you're spending alone in the basement.
Cause #5: Unmet Expectations
He says: “I thought retirement would be different. We were going to travel the world, join the country club, learn how to cook fancy dinners together, go out to plays and museums on the weekends with our friends. I didn’t picture her wanting to spend so much time at home, reading, crafting, doing yoga in the sunroom."
Very often, couples have completely different and totally unspoken visions of what retirement will look like. The nonworking or already retired spouse might be expecting European tours. The new retiree might want to settle into an "endless weekend" without any of the stress and worry of their work routine.
Avoiding "The Look": Talk about your individual visions for retirement. Where is there overlap? Where do your plans and goals diverge? How do you each feel about:
- Travel: How often do you want to travel? Where do you want to go? What’s your travel budget?
- Social Life: How often will you entertain or visit friends and family? Will you join a country club or other social organizations? Should you relocate to be closer to loved ones?
- Daily Life: What does a typical Tuesday look like for each of you? How much time will you spend together? Apart?
- Finances: Are you aligned on your retirement budget?
From "The Look" to Looking Forward
No matter how well you and your spouse communicate ahead of and during retirement, you're going to step on each other's toes and get on each other's nerves from time to time. But if you catch your wife Googling "gray divorce specialist near me" or "how to move to a desert island," you might need to work a little harder to align your lives, your money, and your retirement goals.
And that's OK. Very few people get retirement exactly right the moment they step away from work. What matters is that you and your spouse are committed to finding that healthy middle ground and helping each other maximize your resources and your Golden Years.
Keen Wealth encourages couples to participate equally in our comprehensive financial planning process. We believe this helps couples take in the whole retirement picture, as well as their spouse's personal perspective. Call up our office and let us facilitate a Retirement Readiness conversation that might help to clear the air and get you both excited about what’s coming next.
About Bill
Bill Keen is a financial advisor with over 30 years of industry experience. As the founder and CEO of Keen Wealth Advisors, a registered investment advisory firm, he focuses on providing personalized retirement planning designed to help people thrive before and during their retirement years. With a passion for educating others, Bill regularly blogs about retirement planning, hosts the podcast Keen on Retirement, and has contributed to Forbes, U.S. News and World Report, Reuters, Wall Street Journal’s Market Watch, Yahoo Finance, and other publications. Based in Overland Park, Kansas, Bill and his team work with clients throughout the greater Kansas City area and across the nation. To learn more, connect with him on LinkedIn or visit www.keenwealthadvisors.com.
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